It’s because statistics say that it takes 4-7 years for step families to feel like a traditional family

Wade and I went out last night with his parents to see the Pioneer Day Commemoration with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra at Temple Square. It was such a good concert.

I love going on dates with my husband and it was exactly what I needed. One of the first songs that they sang was "Come, Come, Ye Saints". The words of this song are so powerful, and it's always amazing to me how music has the ability to stir something deep inside you and touch your soul.

I was especially touched by the words, "Why should we mourn, or think our lot is hard, tis not so, all is bright. Why do we think to earn a great reward, if now we shun the fight? Gird up your loans, fresh courage take, our God will never us forsake. And soon we'll have this tale to tell, all is well, all is well".

I've really been struggling lately with all of the changes in my life. I'm reluctant to even say that because I don't want anyone to think that I'm unhappy. I do not do well with change, and am the type of person who needs to know what's going on and wants to have a plan . With a family of 11 that just isn't possable.

I've been reading a really good book called "Stepcoupling", and I really think it has saved my life. Things have been going pretty well, but there has been some bumps in the road and I really needed something to help me compartmentalize my feelings.

The first thing I learned is that it takes between 4-7 years for a step family to feel like a traditional family. That was a much needed slap in the face. When we got married I had unrealistic expectations. I thought that because Wade and I love each other that everything would go smoothly and all of the kids would love each other too. When they get irritated with each other I would take it personally - in fact, when anything happened that I naively thought wouldn't, I would take it personally. All my lovely thoughts and high hopes flew out the window and I felt like I was a failure as a mom and stepmom.

"Some experts believe that the transition to remarriage is more stressful for children than the transition to divorce. During divorce, adults and children experience the same loss in unison... these events involve shared grief, loss, and change for adults and children. When you create a new family, the adults view the accompanying changes as positive, healing events. Your gain, however, is your child's loss. They feel these loses - of parental time and attention, familiar routines, personal space - as deeply as you feel delight at having found someone to love again."

That was slap #2 in the face. I no longer have unrealistic expectation that our new family is going to feel comfortable and safe in a matter of weeks. It takes time, and I have a lot of that so I can be patient.

I am also learning to be flexible. I made this really cute wood decoration that says Higbee, and Michaela had a total melt down about it, crying that she is not a Higbee kid and it's not fair. I thought I was making something cute to put in the house because this is the first time in a long time that I feel that I have a last name that doesn't belong to someone else... it will come down until she is no longer threatened by it anymore.

Everyone in a step family has to stretch their former comfort zones to include new people and unfamiliar ways of doing things, as boundaries expand -with time, patience and love - the loyalty that once flowed along blood lines WILL loosen enough to permit a step family to grow. Music to my ears!

I'm learning, and with that I know that everything will turn out ok in the end. I love my blended family and I think that we both have really great kids. I have a really good partner in Wade, and I'm so grateful that he is my husband. Over time, and as our family matures, the gap between expectations and experience will narrow, and then we will all enjoy the unique dynamic we have in our step family.

I just hope it's closer to the 4 years than the 7, just sayin.



Laurie